


Seasons in the Sun

by SmoulderingOcean



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Closed door challenge, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 01:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19367665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmoulderingOcean/pseuds/SmoulderingOcean
Summary: "I've got so much to tell you," Nick says heavily, clearly not sure how to begin.Before he is sent away, Nick has some things he needs to tell June, things he needs her to promise she'll tell their daughter. My contribution to the #ClosedDoorChallenge. Spoilers for up to 3x03.





	Seasons in the Sun

> _You gave me love and helped me find the sun_
> 
> _And every time that I was down_
> 
> _You would always come around_
> 
> _And get my feet back on the ground_
> 
>  
> 
> -Seasons in the Sun, by Westlife

* * *

 

 

The moment Nick leaves is the moment June realizes just how badly she messed up. A fuck up of epic proportions. She was angry and afraid and just so fucking frustrated with everything. He was the only safe place she had to let things out and she had taken it all out on him.

 

It wasn't fair. Nick deserved more than that, especially when he too was hurting and afraid. She'd forgotten his needs again. He was right, she really was fucking selfish. To treat him like that on what might be the last time they spoke... it was unbearable. She'd been far kinder to less deserving people.

 

Within seconds of the door closing behind Nick's devastated face, June is on her feet and striding across the room. She had to make this right. She couldn't leave things like this. He needed her. There was so much she couldn't do right now -she can't stop the deployment or get Hannah and Nick out of this place- but she can offer him comfort and love.

 

She doesn't hesitate as she twists the knob, the door slowly creaking open. Immediately she is hit with the familiar scent of soap, cigarettes, and something was just uniquely Nick. He was close.

 

June peered over slightly and there he was, right outside her door. She is struck with gratitude that he is near. She wouldn't have blamed him if he'd left, but she knew instinctively that he wouldn't go far. He was right there, as close to her as he could be.

 

She presses her forehead against the wall and exhales quietly, overwhelmed with relief. That wasn't going to be their last moment. But the fact that the next moment could be crushes her. There should never be a last moment for them. They were supposed to get out together and be a family, and live a long and happy life.

 

Her hand drifted slowly across the doorframe and she could hear his breathing hitch slightly and quicken. She could tell that he knew she was there.

 

The pull she felt to him and the pull she knew he felt to her amazed June. It was indescribable in its intensity, a force stronger than gravity.

 

The release she feels as she touches the back of his hand and brushes his fingers was paramount. Every bit of tension she'd been feeling was gone, replaced by a comforting warmth that spread throughout her whole body.

 

His fingers curl around hers quickly and tightly and she realized then how desperately he needed her. June again feels guilty for being so selfish and not thinking of Nick's needs. There was more than enough selfishness and cruelty in this world, she didn't need to add to it.   

 

She has already decided to bring Nick inside when she senses him beginning to move away, his fingers slipping from hers slowly. She is touched that he expected nothing more than this brief moment and that like always, he was giving her control over the situation. He had poured all his love into that one touch and even though it wasn't enough, he had already accepted that this could be all that she wanted. There are no words to express her appreciation for how he always thinks of what she needs and wants.

 

Just before his hand slips from hers, she tightens her grip and pulls him inside. He doesn't resist and doesn't act surprised, but June can sense the relief in him. He wanted this desperately too.

 

Nick shuts the door behind them and June reaches around and locks it, catching him off guard. She can't help but smile and cheekily say, "What, pretty girl never lock you in her room before?"

 

He lets out a brief laugh, a smile lighting up his face. June prayed that their daughter would have his smile. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

 

As soon as the smile appears it is gone and the air surrounding them is tense. June never thought it would be possible to hate Gilead more, but she does. They were trying to take away the one scrap of happiness she had in this place.

 

Nick was looking down at his shoes when she gently touched his cheek. Their eyes met and June was shocked by the utter depth of pain she saw. He was near tears. Her fault. She'd made a difficult situation worse.

 

She raises her other hand and cups his face, prompting him to exhale shakily.

 

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Nick. I didn't mean it," she says softly.

 

He nodded tightly, still clearly hurt. The last time June had seen him this upset was when the Commander had slapped her. But this time there was no baby daughter for him to hold to feel grounded and loved, no family moment to make him happy.

 

But she was still here. She was his family too. She could still do things for him, even if they weren't the same.

 

"I love you," she whispers.

 

Just like last time, she can see how much the words strike him. His lips move soundlessly for a moment, too stunned to say anything. June feels horrible for not showing him how much she cares. He shouldn't be surprised by her declaring her love for him, not after their night together in the nursery. She vows to herself to be more open with him so that he knows just how much she really does love him. It was still hard for her, things were just too fucking complicated, but he deserved that comfort and she deserved to have the chance to share it with him.

 

"I love you too," Nick replies lowly, his voice choked with emotion. The tears she'd been holding back begin to slip out.

 

He lifts a hand and softly brushes them away. June could see red crescent-shaped welts on his palm and turned her head to kiss them gently, trying to take his pain away.

 

Nick exhales a shaky breath before tilting his head down so that their foreheads rested together.

 

"Nick, how could they do this to you?" June cries, clinging to his jacket.

 

"That's what I get for holding up Waterford with a gun," he says plainly. "He wants me dead for it."

 

"What?" She doesn't know what she was expecting, but there's no fucking way she would have ever guessed that.

 

"So you and Holly could get out. He was going to call up a search. I made sure you had a head start first. The gun is how I did it."

 

For once it is June that is struck speechless. He did all of that for them. She was amazed. God, how fucking horrible of her was it to imply that Nick was useless? He was the exact opposite. His diversion had given Emily and their baby more time to escape, all at the sacrifice of his own dignity and maybe even his life.

 

"I didn't mean what I said, I was upset," she says mournfully, "I know you're trying so hard to get us all out of here."

 

Nick nodded. "It's ok, I know. You're my family. I'll always fight for all of you. You, Holly, and Hannah."

 

June pressed a hand against her face, overwhelmed. Nick didn't have to say anything else, she could just tell that he loved Hannah too. He was just as determined as she was to save her from a fate like Eden's. Fresh tears spill down her cheeks, wetting her neck. This was all so much.

 

"Thank you," she whispers, "I can't say how much that means to me."

 

Nick didn't reply, simply pulling her into his arms and pressing his lips against her forehead. She felt grounded by his embrace, safe for the first time in weeks.  

 

"I want our daughter to know her," she tells him.

 

"Me too," he says quietly. "It's important."

 

June shifted in his arms and tilted her head back to look at his face. He looked far away and very sad. She knew he had a brother, but she didn't know anything else. For the first time June wonders if Nick's brother was even alive. The depth of pain on his face makes her think that he might not be.

 

Seeing him so hurt was devastating. She was so used to Nick always being strong and stoic in the face of even the most horrible things that it was striking to watch as the strongest man she'd ever known crumble before her. She didn't know what to do to make it right.

 

And then, she realized that she did know something that would help.

 

"Did you know that she got out? Our baby is safe."

 

She watched as he blinked rapidly, overcome with emotion.

 

"I didn't know that. Is- is she ok?" His voice cracked, and June's heart broke. She wishes she could have told him sooner.

 

"She's fine, she's perfect. We did it, Nick, we got our little girl out of here," she says, her voice trembling with emotion.

 

Nick inhales sharply, tears falling down his cheeks. He makes a low, painful sound, prompting June to wrap her arms around him, holding him tight and close. He immediately tucks his wet face into her shoulder, sniffling heavily. She can feel his hot breath against her neck, the muscles in his back trembling as she holds onto him tighter while he cries.

 

"It's ok," she soothes him, rubbing circles into his back, "It's ok."

 

"Toronto has beaches," she tells him softly, "I think about that all the time- the kind of day we'll have, how much she'll love it. How happy we'll be. I imagine going the first day we get there, even if it's cold."

 

Nick's intake of breath is thick and shaky. "I still think those things too. Always. I want it more than anything. Even if it's cold out."

 

June smiles a little. If he was cracking a joke, even a tiny one like that, she knew he was feeling better. God, she loves him so fucking much.

 

After a few minutes of silence, Nick's tears giving way to hiccups, he pulls out of her embrace and kisses her on the cheek. For a second, June is panicked that their time is up; that he's leaving now and that this is it. But she's wrong as he walks away from the door and towards the window, shifting his weight heavily from one foot to the other.

 

His back to her, Nick says, "I need you to promise me something."

 

"Anything," she answers immediately, watching as Nick runs his hand over his face.

 

"I want her to know about me and her family."

 

June doesn't say anything, not wanting to interrupt him should it put a stop to this display of vulnerability entirely. This was a side she'd rarely got to see of him and she wanted to cling to it; to bury it deep inside her heart where he'd be safe.

 

"I've got so much to tell you," Nick says heavily, clearly not sure how to begin.

 

The implications begin to chill her. He was talking like he already knew he wasn't coming back.

 

"Nick..." she begins quietly, stopping when she notices him rummaging through his suit's interior pocket.

 

"Here," he says handing a photograph to her. "I want you to show Holly this when you get out."

 

June takes it and looks at it- she recognized it as the photograph from his old apartment.

 

Nick sits on her bed and rubs his thumb anxiously across his palm. "It's of me and my older brother, Josh. Joshua. Her uncle." He stopped, looking up and blinking heavily. She could see the tears in his eyes and her heart hurt.

 

June joins him on the bed and rubs her hand soothingly on his thigh. There's so much she wants to say (she'd even imagined saying something cheeky like 'you used to be so cute- what happened?') but she knows that if she stops him now, he might not begin again. She knew how hard this was for him and so she says everything she needs through touch.

 

He rests his hand on top of hers and gives it a squeeze, drawing strength from the gesture.

 

"It was taken at Mackinac Island. I was 15 and he was 18. It was the last time we went before my Mom died from cancer. After that it was just too hard. Everything fell apart. Josh's problems started and Dad was barely able to keep it together. And then... then the Sons of Jacob happened."

 

He doesn't elaborate further, even though June desperately wants to know more, but she thinks she knows what he means in his silence- he felt guilt over what happened.

 

She'd always feel guilty too; guilty that her ignorance played a role in all of this. She cannot be shameless or act like she didn't play a part when she did. He shouldn't be the only one filled with pain over this.

 

"I think my Mom would have liked you," Nick says, pushing forward. "She was so smart too, always reading something. She worked as a school librarian. She was always reading to us. When we were kids, Josh's favourite was Arthur. Mine was the Berenstain Bears. We used to fight over who picked the story at night."

 

June can't help but laugh a little. The image of a tiny little Nick arguing over what book to read was just too fucking cute. 

 

Nick's hand tightened in hers. He was smiling wistfully now, looking almost carefree. She wishes this conversation had happened sooner. It clearly made him happy.

 

He shifted on the bed a little, turning towards her. "She was a really good cook, too. She made the best fucking barbecued pork buns. I wish I had the recipe. I miss them. And her."

 

A muscle in his jaw ticked and June brushes her fingers against it gently. Nick's eyes soften and he relaxes again, though the sadness in his expression was obvious.

 

Nick sniffed as he said, "My father loved her so much. He was never really open with people, but with her... it was different. He'd sing to her. All the time."

 

She smiles at that. There was so much Nick there that she felt breathless. Knowing where he came from was overwhelming. The constant reading, his romantic side... she could see where that all came from.

 

Shaking his head ruefully, Nick adds, "It's because of him that I really love music."

 

June nodded understandingly. She could remember the record player in his room and how he'd have music playing whenever she'd come over. Mostly older music, the kind of stuff her Dad listened to, but it was music all the same. Something she'd been deprived of for years at that point and something he'd given to her without her having to ask.

 

Nick's fingers tighten around hers once more. "I wish I could hold Holly one more time and read to her."

 

"You will," she tells him, crying again, "You're going to get out of here and read to her every night, and I'm going to find a recipe like your Mom's and we're all going to make it together. You'll get out of here and tell her all these things yourself and show her the picture of her uncle. You're going to be an amazing Dad, Nick."

 

Nick's hands are on her face, brushing away her tears. "June," he says urgently, "Please. Please. I need this."

 

The words hang heavy between them as the tears still stream out of her eyes.

 

"Ok," she whispers.

 

"Ok?"

 

She nods. "Ok. But you have to promise me you'll be safe and that you'll get out too. Promise me, Nick."

 

He shakes his head. "I can promise I'll try."

 

She exhales. It was an impossible request. He couldn't lie to her and she loves him all the more for it.

 

June closes her eyes and memorizes each intoxicating detail he'd shared with her. She then tucks away a fantasy of the three of them in a tiny Canadian kitchen together, making barbecued pork buns. Another of  the three of them curled up in a tiny bed together, reading bedtime stories, is buried in her heart. Something good for her to live off of while he was away and they were stuck here in this place.

 

Something to live off of if she never got out. Or if he never did.

 

June swiftly straddles Nick's lap and kisses him deeply, catching him by surprise. He groans as she pushes off his jacket and rakes her nails down his shirt-clad back.

 

"I love you so much," he whispers against her neck, unfastening her dress, his hands blazing hot against her skin.

 

"I love you too," June answers breathlessly, her nerves on fire as she makes quick work of his shirt buttons, "I really fucking love you."

 

Quicker than she knows it, they are both fully nude. June allows for her eyes and hands to roam over his body, memorizing him. He was gorgeous, his dark eyes gazing up at her in awe.   

 

They make passionate love, holding onto the only good in their lives, never wanting to believe this will be the last time and promising themselves and each other that it won't be.

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been hooked on the idea that Nick, in his desperation, went to see June to tell her these important things that he needs Holly to know, and thus this idea was born. While Nick's a bit more verbose here than he normally would be, I imagine the scenario would prompt him to speak more than he otherwise would. I also couldn't resist having June reflect a bit on her words and actions because god knows she really needed to. 
> 
> And yeah, hopefully it worked out decently!
> 
> Thanks for reading and please review if you can! :)


End file.
